Things You're Doing Right

So I've been having a rough week or two here. In my Intro to Graduate Studies class we've been doing a lot of talking about jobs and internships, planning for future courses, workshopping resumes, and generally discussing the future.

My name is Stephanie and I have a confession: The future scares me.

If I'm being completely honest about it, I don't know where I'm going after I leave UC. I don't know what I will be doing. And I'm not sure what I want to be doing, which makes it difficult to come up with a course of study or a "dream job" to be working towards. I spent a lot of effort trying to pitch myself to graduate schools as a flexible and adaptable person, and it worked; but now I'm having a hard time choosing a path to "adapt" myself to.

I've been frustrated about this for a while. Today I was talking to Paul about it (for the umpteenth time, I'm sure) and I said I felt like nothing is going right at the moment. To which he kindly replied, "I think you're doing a lot of things right." And that got me thinking. Although the future still scares me, I'm going to try to think about the things that are going right at this moment.

So, I hereby present to you The List of Things (I Think) I'm Doing Right:

1. Learning How to Be an Adult. For the first time in my life, I am somewhat supporting myself--at least as far as rent and groceries go. I have a job and I'm learning to budget my money responsibly.

2. Being a Student. This is probably the thing I am best at in life. Whatever else I may be mediocre at, I get my work done, I meet deadlines, and I pass my classes. Period.

3. Learning to Cook. This one is obviously a work in progress, but it's a lifelong skill that is going to serve me well. I've already mastered and memorized a handful of quick and easy recipes so I can feed myself (read: so I won't starve). And learning how to make things from scratch is cheaper and better for you than eating a whole bunch of Lean Cuisine.

4. Getting Enough Sleep. It seems silly, but sleep is one of the basics of life that students seem to miss out on. I can safely report that I get about eight hours every night.

5. Staying Active. As lovely as the Bearcat Transit is on those days when I just need to get to campus in under five minutes, I have been trying to walk as much as possible. It's helping me stay in shape, and I get to enjoy the beautiful fall weather we are still having (no snow yet!!). I'm also trying to work out at least twice a week.

6. Trying New Things. Since I've been in Cincinnati, I have experienced quite a few things that are unique to the area like Skyline Chili, Graeter's, a Bearcats football game, the city bus system, two Fountain Square festivals, and more. I'm getting more comfortable in the city and I'm learning a lot about the area.

UC vs. North Carolina State

That's all I have for you right now.. but don't worry, I already have plans for a sequel to this post.

The Grad Student "Identity"

Obviously I haven't been keeping up on this as well as I'd like. Things have been getting hectic. I've been out of town for the past two weekends and so haven't had time for much beyond schoolwork, driving, eating, and sleeping. But, it's time to take a deep breath and think a little bit.

I've been giving a lot of thought lately to my identity here in graduate school. For me, there are two sides to the equation: Graduate Student and Graduate Teaching Assistant. These are both mighty fine titles, but holding them simultaneously is sometimes difficult.

As a student, I know my job is to go to class, to study, and to keep up on my work. Easy enough, right? However, I'm in a pretty unique position within my program. I'm one of only a few grad students who started the master's program here straight out of undergrad, without any real work experience in between. That means 1.) I'm younger than almost everybody and 2.) I'm at a bit of a disadvantage by lacking those experiences in the workplace. I'm not sure what I want to do with my life or what skills I will need, so it's harder for me to plan out a course of study and know what I need to learn. On the plus side, I'm used to being in school so being a student still comes naturally to me. It's the role I'm most comfortable in.

Ok. So far, so good.

Now, the other side: GTA. I have to say, I had no idea what it took to be a teacher before I started doing this. I never realized all the planning and researching and just thinking that goes into it. Things that seem simple (writing a syllabus, grading papers) always take way more time than I think they will. Not to mention the fact that I am now a figure of authority for students who are practically the same age as me. It's a strange situation.

I tend to compare it to my experiences tutoring a lot. When I'm a tutor, I'm a peer. I'm a cheerleader for one student at a time. I get to say "Let's work together on this to make it awesome." I don't have to evaluate the work or give it a grade. Things are much less complicated.

Teaching is different. I have twenty-two students to deal with at a time (and thank goodness I don't have any more than that--I don't know how K-12 teachers keep everyone's names straight). It's hard to make sure everyone is on the same page, because inevitably, they won't be. And I'm now the one who has to say A, B, C, etc. That's a tough situation. The tutor in me always comes out when I grade; my comments are more about how to improve the text than anything else, even though I know I need to give it a letter at the end. Maybe that's not such a bad thing.

The trouble is that I don't know whether I'm more of a student or more of a teacher. It seems that the answer should be student, because ultimately I am here to get a degree. But I can only be here doing this because of the teaching assistantship, which I get to keep by maintaining a certain GPA. I need one to keep the other. And right now, I find myself splitting my time almost equally between the two. It's a strange sort of limbo, and I'm finding it very interesting to think about how my two roles interact and overlap with each other.

Ah, well. Back to the grind. In parting I offer this delicious photo of a cappucino from Taza--if you're in the UC area and you haven't been to this place, check it out for some good coffee and neat latte art.